The Return of Bee (part 1) ~ In Which She Talks About Pregnancy, Motherhood and Mental Health

Posted March 12, 2019 by Bee || 5 Comments

Glitter, confetti and cake for everyone, for the Bee is back!

Phew, it certainly has been a while, hasn’t it? SO. MUCH. HAPPENED. I don’t even know where to start. Because I could make one gigantic post with everything in it, or I could divide and conquer. So to give myself a little extra work, I am making not one, but TWO POSTS. One here on Novel Ink, the other over at my other blog, Quite The Novel Idea. So go check that out Thursday to find out the bookish side of the past year.

And now I present to you, Bee’s 2018 in pictures.

When I went MIA last year, I was in the middle of moving in with my boyfriend and my second trimester of my pregnancy. That was still easy, all things considered. But in the third trimester, things started to get a little messier. I had to stop my meds because they might be a risk to the baby, but that got me into a very fast downward spiral. Being off my meds in the very hormonal last weeks of my pregnancy was too much for me to handle, so I got back on my meds immediately.

Emma was born 3 weeks early on the 4th of July. Labor was… intense and honestly a bit traumatic. The hospital had no airco, so my room was VERY warm. Being apart from my boyfriend was also very hard, especially because I was in a very emotional state and I missed his hugs and our cuddles in bed. On top of that I had to stay 2 days longer because Emma had jaundice. But how was the motherhood part of story? Well…

Okay, here’s the thing. Motherhood has been hard for me. Very hard. To this day (and she’s 8 months old now) I do not feel like a mom. It still very much feels like a job and some days I need a break. It’s been very intense, mentally speaking. I can handle the lack of sleep, that’s no problem. The thing is, being a Mom is a 24/7 job and it is HARD. Babies are cute, but they’re also very much not communicative and the only language they know is crying. They cannot tell you what’s wrong and in the beginning there is not much response and interaction. I felt very disconnected from Emma. I didn’t get that instant unconditional love. I’ve grown to love her over the past few months, sure. But some days it’s still very hard, because there’s rarely any time for me. There’s a lot of frustration and exhaustion and honestly I can’t wait for the baby fase to be over because I do not like it one bit.

But we all need self-care days and the grandparents have been super helpful. Emma regularly goes on sleep-overs with her grandparents, which is a win-win for everyone. They get to spend private time with her and I get alone time and my boyfriend and I get the chance to be just us again for a bit. Plus sleep. Lots of sleep.

On top of all that I’ve had a lot of family drama that seriously got me down around the holidays. It’s been a tough few months, peoples.

Emma is now 8 months old, she’s perfectly happy and usually a very cheerful baby girl. She’s getting SO. BIG. and she’s teething! For some reason she’s also at war with her bed and refuses to sleep in anything except her stroller. Which she’s almost getting too big for. But just look at that face, it’s too cute. It’s impossible to be angry for a long time. Yes, I get frustrated and exhausted, but her smile just makes everything better. Though she has taken a liking for pulling and grabbing my hair whilst biting my nose. 1/10 do not recommend, it hurts and feels weird at the same time. I sneeze baby spit daily now. And I have war wounds from her nails, which grow so fast I can’t even keep up.

She honestly stole my heart. Yes, it’s hard. But I also know it will get better and I have an amazing group of people around me that is always there to help. And now I’m ready to blog again because I MISSED YOU GUYS. SO MUCH. I hope you haven’t forgotten about me. *cries*

Now it’s your time to talk! How have you been? Anything noteworthy happen lately. Tell me all about it in the comments!

5 responses to “The Return of Bee (part 1) ~ In Which She Talks About Pregnancy, Motherhood and Mental Health

  1. Danielle Hammelef

    Emma is adorable! I love the name Emma and named my second daughter Emma Mae. Thank you for sharing your personal story and welcome back! Being a mom is HARD and babies come with no manuals. I remember setting a goal of just taking a shower each day in the first few days. Glad to know you are taking care of yourself too.

  2. Yay I’m glad you’re back! And Emma is ADORABLE. I’m obviously not a mum haha, but I always adored looking after my sister’s kids…the baby phase was actually my favourite 😭💛toddler-phase is when they start getting opinions. Hmph. But now between 3-5 my nieces were the bEST because they just loved fetching things for me. It was like having very willing and happy servants. 😂Of course the pros of being an aunt is that you can give them back and not be “on call” 24/7 so I can only imagine how hard and taxing that must be. You sound like you’re doing amazingly though!!

    But I feel for you with the adjustments and the worry and everything. (You couldn’t have your boyfriend there for the birth?? That’s so unfair on you! I feel for you.) I’m glad things are settling down though, and also glad you’re writing !!! and blogging again. eep!

  3. Welcome back Bee, Emma is darling! I can imagine how emotional and stressful it is to be a mother. Society likes the push the notion of giving up your life for your baby and how that’s all you need, so thank you for speaking candid about some of the struggles. I can’t even imagine trying to figure out what a baby wants!

  4. WELL THEN. I wrote this HUGELY long comment, like a 5-paragraph thing of beauty. And then when I hit post… GONE. So. I am going to try to condense it because I am so tired ugh.

    First, welcome back!! I am so sorry that you had such a rough 3rd trimester and delivery. What even is that nonsense of no air conditioning and not letting your boyfriend stay!?! Your hospital sounds evil!

    I also totally get feeling overwhelmed by the whole parenting thing. You can loathe it and still love Emma with all your heart. I wish moms talked about how NORMAL this is, but alas. We get mom-shaming instead. I am glad that you are being so honest and real- it’s good for you, AND it is good for everyone who reads it. This is stressful stuff, and I wish I had known going into it!

    I am really glad you are blogging again, because you NEED an outlet that is just for you, an identity of your own besides being someone’s caretaker. Carving out that time will help- and definitely try to do as much self-care as possible too. I am SO glad that your boyfriend and Emma’s grandparents are being so helpful- you NEED that break. And I do mean need. On the weeks where I have zero break (this one included ha) I literally cry myself to sleep, so I get it.

    I also want you to know that if you EVER need to talk to anyone about ANY of this, I am here. I get how hard it can be to not only deal with the parenting, but adding the mental health stuff, and the other life stressors on top of it. Please never, ever hesitate to shoot me a DM if you want to chat, okay? SO glad you’re back, hugs!! ♥♥♥

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